Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So apparently I’m into choking now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
