goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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