YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
