My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
