I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
