u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
