I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
