How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
home. puking in laundry basket.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
