good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
