Who wears a wallet chain?!
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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