remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
