There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
