Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
