I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
