dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
