I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
