Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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