Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
