I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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