don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
