i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
