I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
