She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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