the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
