fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
