Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
