HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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