He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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