I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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