i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
