Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
