You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
