I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
bring money and cleavage
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
