im having a threesome with these popsicles
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
