Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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