I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
