two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
