I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
