today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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