Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
