It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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