he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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