i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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