I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
