If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
