Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Found the puke drawer
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
