I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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