I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
