Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
