this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
