found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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